Eightlegged AntiChrist
by SushiBomb
Summary: On this fine summer day, the Varia are faced with the most dastardly foe they will ever fight. Crack in every sense of the word. Rated T for language, content,and general Varia shenanigans.


A/N: Guten Tag!

So yeah…this was so supposed to be written forever ago, but I was extremely bored yesterday (and today), so I finally managed to slap this together. This is based on yet another very strange RP conversation.

Read on, and enjoy it!

Update 05/05/13: I've been thinking about writing a sequel to this, so I dunno… I was going through the reviews earlier when I stumbled across one that had mentioned my misuse of certain terminology. To the reviewer that left the message, thanks again for pointing that out, and I'm really sorry I didn't fix it before. I meant to, honest I did, but for some reason I never got around to it. So if I offended anyone I sincerely apologize. Also, I made some general edits, grammatical or otherwise. It reads a little more smoothly now.

Also _also_, yeah I know Fran's a little OOC in this. But… fuck spiders, okay.

Disclaimer: Sushi*Bomb does not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Boo you whore.

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><p>Eight-legged Anti-Christ<p>

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><p>It was just one of those days at the Varia mansion.<p>

It was summer, so the weather outside was absurdly disgusting. The cool breeze that usually blew in from the sea that normally made the sweltering Italian heat a fraction more bearable was noticeably absent. At least there were what appeared to be storm clouds gathering over the horizon in the west. They could do with a bit of rain.

But for the time being, Levi, along with a certain duo of the famed Varia Independent Assassination Squad sat relatively placidly in the large, luxurious, **air-conditioned** lounge on the third floor in the east wing of the mansion. Summer was the slowest time of the year for assassinations for some inexplicable reason; the members of the squad all supposed that the unholy heat that beat down on all of Italy overrid any desire to have one's enemy taken out.

Too much effort.

And so, the three of them sat in front of the TV, as they often did on these miserably boring days, respective uniform coats strewn about the backs of vacant chairs and sofas. The Discovery Channel was on (it had been Fran's turn to pick the channel, and he happened to rather enjoy Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom). Since there was literally nothing else on, and Bel decided a prince shouldn't have to expend that much effort in this blasted heat, the young illusionist succeeded in commandeering the remote. Besides, it was a program about rogue tigers, and Bel liked tigers.

Little did they know that within an hour's time, they would be forced into the most epic of battles, with the most dastardly foe they had ever had the misfortune of facing. This battle would prove to all who doubted them that the members of the Varia were the manliest of men, who feared nothing and no one. This epic battle would drag on well into the twilight hours, pushing them to the very limits of their endurance and sanity. This battle was a matter of life and death, a matter of a man's honor, and a matter of their pride as an elite assassination squad.

…_But_ at the present moment, the TV was on mute as the three were engrossed in the most profound and enlightening of conversations.

"I'm telling you Bel, it's true! The guy gave birth to a baby! It says so right here!" Levi said frantically as he waved a copy of a supermarket tabloid in the prince's face. Belphegor growled low in his throat, haughtily snatching the pseudo-newspaper from the older man's slackened grip. The prince read over the page that Levi had read previously, snorting and making little disbelieving noises every so often.

Belphegor turned towards the larger man, thin lips pursed.

"Are you serious Levi? You know they make all that shit up right?" He snapped as he threw the paper back at the older man. But Levi was unperturbed by the prince's snobbish behavior.

"No they don't! It's true! I remember seeing a documentary about it a while back too!"

Fran, who had been half-heartedly staring at the TV through most of the conversation, turned back to Levi at that moment, a thin eyebrow quirked slightly.

"Levi-san…" He started, before abruptly shaking his head and turning back to the TV with an indiscreet eye roll.

"Don't make faces, runt! It's true. A man gave birth to a little girl!"

"…You do know he was a hermaphrodite, right Levi-san?"

Levi gave the replacement illusionist a dumb look before skimming over the article. "A hermaphrodite? The fuck is that?"

"It means a person who is born with male and female genitalia."

Levi gave him a blank look. Fran sighed. "It means he was _also_ a she, Levi."

Levi made a disgusted face as he scanned over the moderately lengthy article once again.

"It doesn't say that anywhere in this article, Fran."

Fran sighed as he turned back to the older man. "That's not surprising, since it's not a credible source, Levi-san. They conveniently left that part out."

"They make stuff up all the time, stupid-ass. They'll take other stories and twist them around, just as long as people like _you_ will keep reading it. Ushishi~!" Belphegor said with a snicker.

Levi scoffed. "It says here that it was a perfectly normal man! You two don't have any fucking clue what you're talking about!"

Fran stared at the older man blankly. "Really? Because I happen to think it's actually the other way around, Levi-san."

"Why?" Levi barked. Fran remained deadpanned. "Because you're reading a tabloid, first of all, and second because I already know that your intelligence is pretty much…" Fran trailed off, scratching his cheek as Belphegor snickered.

"It's what, runt?"

"Hmmm…non-existent." Fran said bluntly. Levi growled at the mist illusionist, who sat with his legs crossed Indian style on the recliner adjacent to the long couch.

"It's not impossible for a man to have a baby. Look, see! There's a picture and everything! They gave him a C-section!"

"Levi-san…have you ever heard of photoshop?"

"What?"

Fran ran a hand down his face. "Jesus Christ…look Levi-san, I can tell you exactly why this whole article is bullshit." Fran said as turned the TV off. Levi scoffed.

"Okay then, tell me." He snapped. Belphegor just laughed as he scooted closer to get a peek at the 'irrefutable evidence 'of the man giving birth.

"Well, assuming that this 'man' is legitimately a man and not hermaphroditic, it would actually be physically impossible for a man to give birth to a child."

"But why?" Levi pressed. Fran gave him an 'are you fucking kidding me' look.

"Because men don't have a uterus Levi-san."

"A uterus?"

Belphegor held back a loud guffaw at the low 'oh my God' Fran uttered at Levi's increasingly idiotic questions.

"Yes, Levi-san, and since your basic understanding of human anatomy clearly seems to be minimal at best, allow me to explain in more detail. Men have what they have, and women have a uterus. It's in the uterus that the baby grows for nine months until it's ready to be born. They can't exist and grow anywhere else in the human body."

Levi stared at him seriously as Fran spoke.

"Why's that?"

Fran sighed. "Because the uterus is where the baby is _meant_ to grow. That's where all of the nutrients and oxygen and everything the baby needs to grow passes to it from the mother. Men can't incubate a fetus, because we don't have anything remotely like a uterus anywhere in our bodies."

"Nowhere at all?"

Fran gave the tall man a deadpanned look. "Nowhere."

Belphegor sat up on his knees and reached over to pat Levi on the stomach. "Do you wanna have a baby, Levi? Ushishi~!"The lightning guardian sputtered indignantly as he smacked the pale hand away.

"Wh-what? Of course not! I just wanted to know why Fran thinks it's impossible, that's all."

"Because it is, Levi-san. Everyone knows that."

At that moment, the three heard a loud, distinct voice echoing down the hall, coming towards the lounge. And sure enough, not but a minute later, Squalo came stomping in, a phone to his ear as he shouted in another language (it sounded like German) at the person on the opposite end, and a bundle of neatly scrawled mission reports in his other hand. The three remained silent as they watched their second in command abruptly hang up on whoever was on the phone, snarling angrily as he rubbed one of his temples.

"Hey Squalo, I have a question." Levi began. Squalo cast a steely eye in his direction, teeth bared slightly. "What?" He snapped.

"Is it true that men can't give birth to babies?"

Squalo immediately ceased his mumbling/ prayers for his sanity to remain intact, giving the imposing lightning guardian a disbelieving look.

"Excuse me?" He snapped.

"Fran says a normal man can't give birth to a baby. Is that true?" Levi asked again.

"Voi! What are you, fucking retarded? Of course men can't have babies! If we could, we wouldn't need to knock up a bitch!" Squalo barked as he promptly slammed his stack of mission reports on the coffee table and sat down on the other recliner across from Fran.

"I have no reason to lie to you about that, Levi-san." Fran said offhandedly, head cradled in one of his open palms as he turned the TV back on. "It's not my fault you-" He froze.

The three other occupants of the room watched their youngest member curiously.

"What's wrong froggie?" Bel asked with a large grin at the pause. Fran's face suddenly grew very pale, and his mint-green eyes widened.

"Hey Fran? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Squalo snapped. Fran said nothing, instead simply pointing to a spot on the wall near the large plasma TV. They all turned to where Fran was pointing. To the left of the TV, they saw that a dark, rather large spider was settled, unmoving.

"Fuck that's a big spider." Bel said, summing up everyone's general reaction in one neat little sentence.

"Sempai…you should go kill it." Fran said, his face still holding that odd paleness. Belphegor scoffed as he twirled one of his trademark knives around. "Nah, I don't feel like it. Why don't you do it, froggie?"

Fran shook his head quickly. "No way in Hell am I going near that monster."

"Monster?" The three members chorused. Fran nodded his head. "Yeah, look at that thing! It's a freaking tarantula."

"Fran, you know there aren't any spiders that big in Italy right?" Squalo said with a smirk. Fran turned to him sharply.

"First of all, you're wrong. There are tarantula species indigenous to Italy. Second, can one of you please hurry up and kill it before I lose my mind."

Squalo grumbled but said nothing. Aware the moody swordsman wasn't going to be any help, Fran turned to Levi.

"Kill it, Levi-san." He said blankly. Levi sneered at the younger man. "Why should I?"

Fran didn't miss a beat. "Because it's huge and disgusting and it needs to die."

"Ushishi~! Aww, is froggie scared of the little spider?" Bel taunted his unwilling sidekick. Fran cast him a sideways glare. "I'm not scared of them, I just really dislike them, that's all."

Of course, this statement was promptly refuted when the spider suddenly moved, shifting several inches in abrupt, jerky movements. Fran made a strangled noise, his eyes locked on the arachnid and his arms tightening around the pillow he was holding.

"Please kill it." He whined. Squalo rolled his eyes as he stood up. "Fine. If it'll get you to shut the fuck up, I'll kill the goddamn thing."

And with that, Squalo picked up the magazine they had been reading earlier from the corner of the coffee table, and walked towards the spider. As he got closer, the Varia second in command grimaced.

The spider was actually a lot bigger up close.

"Hey," he began as he looked over his shoulder at the other three occupants in the room, "This shit isn't poisonous or anything, is it?"

All he got in response was a shrug from Bel, and a muffled squeak from Fran, who had at this point buried his face into the pillow, and Levi was ignoring him and watching the TV. Squalo rolled his eyes. Useless.

"Whatever, either way this bitch is dying." And with that, Squalo closed the gap and smacked the rolled up magazine on the wall. But the spider was quicker. It scurried several feet along the wall, towards the door.

"Ew, ew, ew! Don't let it get away!" Fran shrieked suddenly, coming to sit on his knees on the recliner as he watched the little arachnid run quickly away from Squalo, who was now following it, trying to smack it off of the wall and kept missing.

"Damn, that thing's fast." Bel said casually as he prepped several of his knives. "Let the prince try."

The blonde chucked several of his trademark knives in the direction of the spider, his smirk growing as all of the knives penetrated the wall around the spider.

"Shishi~! The prince never misses." He said haughtily.

The spider suddenly popped out from amidst the barrage of knives. Bel's smirk slid off of his face. "What the fuck?" He snapped. Fran started flailing his hands in disgust.

"Oh my God, fucking kill it already!" He whined uncharacteristically, looking like he was on the verge of tears. If it wasn't for the fact that he had actually missed, and as a result was now quite irritated, Belphegor would have laughed at the drastic change in Fran's personality, brought on by the sight of one little spider. It was quite hilarious to see the usually blank-faced mist guardian bouncing and flailing like a fucking woman, demanding the immediate death of the spider. He was actually acting like he wasn't a robot for once, and displaying human emotions. In this case, fear and disgust.

But as such, Bel was annoyed and thus, he growled. "You fucking kill it then!"

Fran turned to him with an incredulous look. "Hell no! It'll bite me." He said frankly.

Squalo roared in anger as he tried once again to smack the frustratingly speedy little bug. And missed again. To anyone else, it looked the spider was taunting the vocal hitman, what with the way it was zig-zagging around on the wall.

"VOIII! This little fucker is going down!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Fran cheered from the recliner. "You go, long-haired commander!" He shouted. Squalo made another swipe at dark little critter, growing more and more frustrated as he kept missing.

And Fran's continous shrieking and shouting in the background was not helping. The swordsman suddenly whirled on the two of them, teeth bared in a snarl.

"Would you stick a fucking cork in that kid?! Goddammit!" He snapped at Bel who just sat on the couch, cross-legged and giggling.

The spider suddenly jumped off of the wall. It began to quickly scurry along the tiled floor, its dark body raised up by its long legs. The four 'elite assassins' collectively reacted.

Squalo cursed as he ran after it, still trying in vain to hit it with the paper.

Belphegor flew off the couch, two sets of knives in each hand. One set was thrown, and then the other. But he missed both times, his knives now embedded in all of the surrounding furniture, as well as in the tiles.

Fran screamed at the top of his lungs, jumping up and down on the recliner like a mentally challenged kangaroo, before grabbing random items to chuck at the spider. (Let it be known that Fran's aim was quite terrible, and thus, more of those items connected with Squalo's head and back than their intended target.)

Levi, who had at this point decided he was needed in this battle, took off his boot and joined Squalo in running around in circles after the arachnid, smacking the sole of his boot on the tiles every so often. Needless to say, he also missed everytime.

The crafty little arachid ran under the entertainment system. Fran made a pained noise.

"You let it get away…" He whined as he sunk to his knees, moaning. "It's going to eat me…"

"Would you shut the hell up?" Squalo snapped at the illusionist. But if anything, Fran's wailing grew louder. "This is awful…it's going to come into my room at night, and crawl up my nose and lay its nasty little demon eggs in my brain. Oh Jesus…I think I'm gonna pass out." Fran said as he clutched his stomach and slapped a hand over his mouth.

Belphegor kicked him in the ass. "You dumbass frog, we're gonna kill that shit right now, so get up and grow a pair, would ya?"

"Voi, come'ere and help me move this." Squalo said to Levi, and the two stood on either side of the entertainment system. Squalo pushed it forward, and Levi moved the other side. And sure enough, the spider quickly scuttled out to avoid being crushed.

"There you are, ya little bastard!" Squalo shouted as he ran after it, magazine rolled up and ready to inflict damage. Meanwhile, Bel continued throwing his knives when he thought he had a clear shot, but the damned bug dashed out of the way everytime.

"I won't miss this time. I'm a prince dammit!" He snapped as he threw several knives towards the spider. But instead of the spider…

"Gaaahhh! Fucking Hell!" Squalo screamed as three of Bel's knives stabbed him right in the ass. With a pained grimace, the swordsman ripped the knives out, stifling a scream, and threw them on the floor.

"Whoops…sorry Squ-chan! Ushishi~!" Bel said with an awkward smile/grimace. Squalo stomped over to him and immediately punched him in the face, knocking out one of Bel's front bottom teeth.

"Damn right, you're sorry! My ass is bleeding!" Squalo hollered at the young prince, who was clutching his mouth. "Mudderfuuu Squ!" He mouthed from behind his hand.

"Squalo! It's heading towards you! Hurry up and kill it!" Fran shouted from his perch on the recliner. Squalo rolled his eyes as he readied his paper, doing his best to ignore the stinging pain radiating from his posterior.

"This bitch is going down!" He screamed as he ran after the spider. Levi bolted after him, boot poised in killing position. The two knocked over the coffee table and one of the recliners in their hectic chase, but the spider was as cunning as it was swift. It ran in a circle in the center of the room, with the two manic assassins running towards it.

But inevitably, the two were doomed. Perhaps it never occurred to Squalo and Levi that running at full speed towards the spider from opposite directions would not bode well for them. As such, the two hitmen ran into each other, heads butting forcefully. The two toppled over, effectively knocking each other unconscious.

Two down.

Belphegor had not given up, however.

Still cradling his mouth tenderly, the prince followed the spider around, tip-toeing quickly behind it with a sadistic grin, intent on smashing several of its legs with the tip of his boot. As the most agile of the squad, Belphegor had a much easier time keeping up with the spider's dodging scuttles.

"Ushishi~! The prince has got you now!" He shouted as he jumped up, his thin body hovering just above the spider.

But it appeared that this particular little spider possessed an I.Q. higher than the Varia's resident genius, for Bel was so focused on crushing its legs, that he didn't realize that the spider was running straight towards the-

BAM.

-wall.

Belphegor's face collided with the wall with a sickening crack, the prince moaning in pain as he slid down the wall like a kid who ran into a glass door. He crumpled to the floor in an unprincely heap, his nose bleeding and one of his teeth missing.

Bel was out.

And so, with three out of four assassins defeated, Fran, the lone survivor of this harrowing ordeal continued his own onslaught, namely, throwing whatever he could find at the spider, in hopes of hitting it, all the while cursing his fallen comrades for their collective incompetence.

Somehow, he had a feeling that the spider could sense his fear.

The little arachnid began to flit towards him, quickly dodging all of the items frantically chucked in its path by the shrieking illusionist.

"Stay away, you filthy demon!" He shouted as he threw everything he could find: an apple, the remote, a plate (which shattered), both of his boots, his hat, a decorative ornament thingy in the center of the coffee table, and finally, he resorted to ripping picture frames off of the wall and chucking them blindly.

But the spider dodged every single time.

This was a formidable adversary indeed.

The spider ran towards Fran again, stopping a couple of feet short of the recliner before raising its front legs off of the ground, and making a loud hissing sound.

Fran promptly screamed and ran out of the room, arms raised in the air and everything. From outside the Varia mansion, the boy's piercing screams could be heard. The illusionist recited a short eulogy for his fallen comrades that he left abandoned with the demonic entity back in the lounge, wiping away a poignant tear of gratitude for their selfless sacrifices.

But what Fran seemed to forget in his frantic desperation was that he was physically incapable of screaming, running, and breathing at the same time. After several minutes of manic sprinting through the house, Fran finally collapsed in a random hallway.

The spider nonchalantly crawled back into a hole in the wall, relishing its victory.

When the four awoke some time later, they convened in the main foyer of the house, nursing their respective wounds, each of their heads hanging in miserable defeat. They agreed that this loss would not be discussed at dinner later. Or ever, for that matter.

The spider had bested them, for now.

But in war, winning one battle does not guarantee total victory. And this was most certainly a war for the history books, if the members of the Varia had anything to say about it.

* * *

><p>Dinner that night was noticeably silent.<p>

Xanxus was not normally one for mindless chatter, but he knew that by the deathly silence and sullen stares, that something was amiss with his subordinates.

They looked, to be frank, like complete shit.

To the best of his knowledge, none of them had had any missions in the past few days, nor had they been doing any rigorous training. So Xanxus was hard-pressed to find a reason as to why Squalo had a black eye and several bruises on his face, along with one particularly nasty looking bump on the side of his forehead. One that he shared with Levi, although his was on the opposite side. Or why Bel was missing one of his bottom teeth and had cotton jammed up both of his nostrils, which were apparently bleeding. Or even why Fran looked more sullen than usual; the boy was ghostly pale and sitting staring at his penne in a near catatonic stupor.

The only one who seemed to be in relatively normal spirits was Lussuria, who was presently sashaying out of the kitchen with a bowl of salad and gabbering on about this fabulous something or other he bought in town earlier, to which no one responded. That, Xanxus found even _more_ bizarre, since one of the four (usually Squalo or Levi) would jump at the chance to ridicule Lussuria for his, in Squalo's words, 'faggotry.'

But the swordsman didn't even budge.

So just this once he, being the wonderful, exalted boss that he was, would go out of his way to initiate a conversation and hopefully rouse his moronic team of assassins out of their gloom.

"So…what did you scumbags… do today?" He began awkwardly. The four of them looked up from their respective plates, three out of four pairs of eyes hollow and distant. Bel's would have been the same, had they been visible.

As such, the four looked to each other uncomfortably, each stuttering slightly and trying to avoid Xanxus' penetrating glare.

Xanxus slapped his fork down. "Alright that's it. What the fuck is wrong with you assholes?" He snapped. They remained stark silent for several seconds, until finally, Fran sighed and turned to the intimidating man.

"Boss…there is a demon in our house." He said seriously. Xanxus nearly choked on his steak.

"What?"

"It's true boss! It's in the lounge!"

"Che, shit ain't no ordinary spider."

Xanxus' face momentarily blanked.

"A _spider_?" He barked. The four of them collectively winced, two glares and a blank stare immediately being sent Bel's way for opening his big mouth.

"You've got to be joking. The four of you are acting like this over a goddamn bug?"

"Shit was fucking huge!" Squalo hollered.

Fran nodded fervently. "It hissed at me, boss."

"It hisses? Motherfuck." Levi said as he poked his chicken. Xanxus drug a hand down his face exasperatedly. This was an elite group of assassins…whining about a spider. He tuned out their bickering as he downed his glass of merlot in two big gulps.

"Well if the long-haired commander wasn't so slow, he could've killed it the first time." Fran said calmly.

"VOI! Fuck you! Not my fault the little shit was fast!" Squalo roared. Fran took a meek sip from his wine glass.

"This was indeed a most harrowing ordeal. It chased me when I was alone. I was left to fend for myself after these three morons all failed to kill it." He said placidly. Belphegor promptly threw a bread roll at his face.

"Shut up, you fucking toad! At least we were _trying_ to kill it, unlike you! You just sat there yapping like a fucking jackass the whole time!"

"Well, I was afraid."

"Holy…you've GOT to be kidding me." Squalo said suddenly, his voice dropping to nearly a whisper. He pointed to the wall. "Speak of the fucking devil."

Everyone turned to look at the wall. And sure enough, the spider was nonchalantly walking along the wall, as if gloating about its victory earlier.

Xanxus stared at the arachnid in mild shock."Fuck me, that's a big ass spider."

"See! We weren't lying boss, that thi-" Bel was promptly cut off as Xanxus fired off several rounds at the spider. The Varia boss smirked at the three gigantic, smoldering holes in the wall.

"Shit's dead now." He said before grabbing the bottle of wine next to him and taking a long swig. Levi stood up and clapped. "Boss always comes through! Hail Xanxus-sama!" He praised. Xanxus just smirked as he kicked his legs up on the table and crossed them, folding his arms arrogantly.

"Heh." He simpered, accepting the praise haughtily.

There was suddenly movement on the table. The members all looked at one of the plates. And lo' and fucking behold, the godforsaken spider popped out from underneath a lettuce leaf in Lussuria's salad and scurried out of the bowl.

The smirk slid off Xanxus' face instantaneously. "Motherfucker!" He barked as he shot up from his seat and reloaded his gun, before firing two more bullets at the bug. It zig-zagged along the table, dodging both bullets as it scuttled down the table, narrowly missing the various weapons, napkins, and food items being thrown at it.

"Is this fucking thing immortal or something? God fucking dammit!" Squalo shouted. "Where the bloody hell is my sword? I'm cutting that bitch in half, right now."

"I told you! It's a demon! Someone kill it!" Fran screeched, all the while throwing a barrage of ineffectual items at it. The spider turned to the young mist guardian and began racing towards him, once again avoiding all of Bel's knives, Xanxus' bullets, Levi's spoons and meatballs, since he had nothing else to throw at the moment, and Lussuria's frantic napkin-slapping.

As such, Fran promptly began shrieking like a bat out of Hell as he barrel-rolled across the table, breaking several cups and plates in the proccess, and ran into the kitchen with his arms raised above his head once again, all the while hollering something about performing an exorcism on their house.

Squalo stomped back into the dining room at that moment, sword strapped to his hand.

"Voiii! Everybody outta the way!" He shouted before unleashing a mighty battle cry and slicing the table in half. But after several minutes, it became apparent that the only thing Squalo had succeeded in doing was destroying all of Lussuria's fine china, and consequently covering everyone with pasta and wine.

And the spider was _still_ alive.

The accursed spider scuttled into the kitchen, away from the herd of psychopaths stampeding after it and wishing nothing but death upon it. Predictably, the members of the Varia still present in the dining room heard Fran's girlish screeching not but a few seconds later, along with the sound of several dishes and glasses shattering on the floor.

"Will someone please help me?" They heard the young illusionist shout from inside the kitchen. They all ran inside. Sure enough, Fran was huddled on top of the refrigerator (how he got up there was anyone's guess) with a stack of plates in his hand, and was currently chucking said plates at the spider, who was once again raised up and hissing.

"I told you," Fran whined as he threw yet another ineffectual plate at the spider, "it's a fucking evil spirit and it wants to eat me…" He cried, little tears streaming down his face.

"Would you get your ass down from there?" Xanxus snapped.

Now that the spider was trapped in the kitchen, they would succeed in terminating its foul existence.

"It ain't getting away this time!"

"I'll send that bitch back to Hell where it came from!"

"Oh Heavens~!"

And with that, the five members of the Varia on the ground dove into a frenzy. Let it be mentioned that while they were engaged in their frenzy, the spider casually scuttled out from amidst the brawl and wandered out of the kitchen.

After nearly five minutes, the assassin squad realized that their target had evaded them yet again. Currently, they all sat against different cabinets, nursing fresh injuries.

Somehow, in this new brawl, Squalo managed to acquire a _second_ black eye, along with several new bruises and four more knives in his ass, in which Belphegor was promptly compensated by losing yet _another_ tooth, this time one of the top ones. Xanxus nursed a busted lip and a small cut on his left eyebrow. Both Levi and Lussuria sported several cuts and bruises on their respective faces and arms.

Fran, who was still perched on top of the fridge, was still blindly throwing plates and thus had not gained any new injuries.

This was the second time they had been bested.

This was becoming quite trying for them, and when the members of the Varia were frustrated about anything, it was usually each other they tended to take it out on.

"You piece of shit! Look at my face!"

"Your fath? What about _my_ fath? The printh demandth you pay for implanth! I look like a fucking meth addict!"

"Good Heavens, Fran! Stop throwing my plates! Those were expensive~!"

"Well if you would watch where you're throwing those stupid fucking knives, you'd still have teeth!"

"Boss! Are you alright? Boss?"

"Well ith not my fault your fat ath is alwath in the way!" Belphegor snapped back, lisp growing more and more by the minute.

"Voi! My ass is **not** fat you little fuck! Take that back!"

"Would you all just shut the fuck up?" Xanxus snapped. His subordinates all immediately silenced themselves. After a few seconds, they all began to look around curiously.

"Is it dead?" Levi asked. Bel shrugged, and Squalo glared at the ground, noticing the stunning lack of spider bits mashed anywhere.

"I think it got away." He glowered. They all groaned dejectedly as they cleaned up the kitchen.

And Fran was still throwing plates.

* * *

><p>It was late into the night when this ordeal finally came to an end. After being forced by Lussuria to clean up the mess they made in the kitchen and the dining room, as well as paying for his priceless china, the members of the Varia each began to get settled for bed.<p>

"I can't believe thith, my beautiful printhly fath ith ruined. Thqualo ith going to pay for thith!" Belphegor seethed as he walked with Fran back to their side of the mansion. Fran just nodded, for if he even dared to speak, he knew he would inevitably make a jab at the prince's newly acquired lisp, and given the prince's current mood, that would not end well for him.

"Are you lithening Fran?" Belphegor snapped at the younger man. Fran nodded again. "Of course I'm listening, sempai." He said hurriedly, quickly turning away to hide his growing smirk. But Bel caught sight of the slight smile.

"You think thith ith funny?!" Belphegor screeched, rounding on Fran and roughly grabbing him by the collar. Fran bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. Bel's trademark smile was just not as intimidating when two of his teeth were missing.

"I promise I'm not laughing, toothless prince."

Oops. That one slipped.

Needless to say, Fran made a mad dash into his room and locked the door, barely dodging the seventy plus knives that were currently embedded in his door.

"Thith ithn't over Frogfath!" he heard Bel shout through the door. A small snicker escaped Fran's lips then. Hopefully sempai wouldn't be able to visit the dentist for a few days, because that lisp wasn't going to get old anytime soon.

"Well, time to hit the hay." Fran said idly. As he made to change into his pajamas however, the frog got a whiff of himself. He stunk like tomatoes and merlot. "But first, a shower is in order."

And with that, the young illusionist stripped down and hopped in the shower. The warm water felt good on his bare skin, and after merely a few minutes, Fran felt himself begin to drift away slowly.

…That is, until a certain eight-legged friend of his decided to make its presence known on the ceiling right above him.

* * *

><p>"Oooh…Thqualo ith in deep sit now." Bel said to no one in particular as he inspected his teeth.<p>

* * *

><p>"That little fucking brat." Squalo seethed as he inspected the seven paper thin incisions along both of his firm buttcheeks. He wouldn't be able to sit down for like a week.<p>

* * *

><p>"Where's my fucking tequila?" Xanxus snapped as he propped his legs up on his desk.<p>

"Right! I'll go grab it for you now, boss!" Levi shouted before bolting out of the room.

* * *

><p>"Oh look at my priceless china plates! These cost me a fortune~!" Lussuria moaned dejectedly as he searched online for another set like the one Fran had destroyed.<p>

* * *

><p>It was at that moment that the members of the Varia all heard the ear-splitting scream that they now recognized as the one belonging to their rookie mist guardian. Regardless of their individual injuries and irritation, all of the members of the Varia bolted towards the east wing of the mansion.<p>

Not because they cared about Fran's well-being, obviously, but because it seemed that their battle was not yet over.

And sure enough, they all assembled in front of Fran's door a few minutes later. They could hear him shrieking and throwing things on the other side of the door. Squalo rolled his eyes as he pushed open the door.

Fran's room was, to be blunt, a complete post-apocalyptic disaster. All of his furniture, including a dresser that appeared to be quite heavy, was overturned. Sheets and curtains were strewn about the floor and hanging off of their respective fixtures.

But Fran was no where to be seen.

"Yo, Froggie!" Bel hollered.

"I'm in here! Help me!" They heard a muffled voice from the other side of the bathroom door. They all began to make their way to the bathroom, trying to ignore Fran's high-pitched screeching.

Boy, who would've known that all it took to make Fran yell that loud was a fucking spider?

In any case, they suddenly heard Fran shout again. "Would you all kindly hurry it up a bit?" He asked, voice a bit hoarse but still somehow maintaining that flatness Fran was known for.

"Yeah, yeah, we're a'coming." Squalo muttered back tiredly. The bathroom door suddenly opened, and Fran's head poked out, along with the top half of his bare torso.

"Well could you "a'come" a little faster? I'm about to die in here." Fran said before pulling his head back in.

The others knocked open the door and fanned out inside. The spider was in the center of the room, jerkily running back and forth. Fran was perched in the sink, wearing nothing but a tiny towel.

"Don't let it get out." He said simply as he pointed to it. But sure enough, the spider immediately made a mad dash for the door, swiftly maneuvering through the throng of feet and limbs trying to smash it. The crafty little critter ran out into Fran's bedroom, and scuttled beneath the overturned dresser.

"Fuck, we lost it." Squalo shouted. The other members of the group ran out after him. Fran followed after putting some pants on.

"Did you guys get it?" He asked mildly. Everyone gave him an annoyed look as they shook their heads, some getting on their hands and knees to begin searching, boots, sandals, and bed-slippers all at the ready. Suddenly, the evil arachnid scurried out from under the dresser.

It made a mad dash for the door…which happened to be where Fran was standing.

As such, the now familiar scene played out. Fran screamed like a girl at the top of his lungs as he ran out of the room.

"That's it! I'm setting this house on fire!" They heard him yell down the hall. Five sets of eyes immediately widened.

"What are you, nuts?" Squalo shouted as he and the others shot after the illusionist, who was halfway down the stairs already. A few minutes later, they found Fran in the kitchen, a container of gasoline and a lighter in hand.

"Fran…it's just a spider. Put that down!" Levi barked. Fran shook his head.

"No, I have to! It's the only way to cleanse this house of the demon." He said seriously, a wild look in his green eyes as he dumped the gasoline on the ground and ignited it.

* * *

><p>Somehow, they all wondered sometime later as they stood in front of their now smoldering house, they had the distinct feeling that selective pyromania was not the best way to go about killing a spider.<p>

Despite this, when Fran declared that they had finally achieved victory over their eight-legged foe, the other members of the Varia couldn't help but feel a small swell of pride grow inside of them.

Extreme (and homeless) as they may now have been, the Varia were still the best. That spider had no idea who it was messing with.

Clearly.

* * *

><p>Wow…I never intended for this to be so freaking long! God, I can't believe I can hammer out over six-thousand words about a fucking spider. What is wrong with me? Anyway lol I hope you all enjoyed it and got a good laugh.<p>

Don't forget to read and review!

S*B~


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